We sent out word yesterday that we’d discovered one of our articles posted to the Chronicle’s website, without any attribution. As an anonymous publication, it was hard to argue that we deserved credit, but it still seemed wrong.

We’re happy to say that one of you communicated with the Chronicle’s editor, who cleared things up. It seems that last year, somebody went rogue and mailed a version of the article to the Chronicle as a letter to the editor. They decided it was funny enough for the web, but not funny enough to be printed. Which is more or less what we’ve always aimed for.

So, no harm, no foul. The story in question, An Open Letter from Satan to the Cameron Crazies, was probably our most successful story in three semesters of writing. Last spring someone shared it on a Duke basketball message board, and hundreds of people read it. We were delighted to see some of you re-posting it yesterday in anticipation of yet another victory over UNC.

We miss writing for you, but all good things come to an end. Still, this is a funny world. Enjoy it.

—The D.

After a well-intentioned effort at reaching out to the Muslim community, a local Christian group has found itself at the middle of an international media frenzy.

According to the website of “Grandpa Abraham,” an ecumenical Christian group in Durham, the group’s mission is “to promote and celebrate the equality of all religious traditions.” This week, they learned that their mission may be more complicated than they first anticipated. In response to the recent proposed Qur’an burnings at a small church in Florida, the group launched a campaign to encourage Christians to treat the Qur’an exactly as they treat the Bible. But their efforts at promoting religious equality were of little comfort to members of the Muslim community.

Grandpa Abraham’s first initiative was to begin marketing versions of the Qur’an targeted at specific demographics. “The Teen Life-Application Qur’an was the centerpiece of that campaign,” said the group’s coordinator, Marcia Tillman . Also planned: the American Patriot’s Qur’an, the Qur’an for Surfers, and a Qur’an designed to look just like a copy of Seventeen Magazine. “Personally, I’m a New Testament kind of Christian,” Tillman explained. “So I also bought a bunch of Qur’ans, and tore out the first 80 percent of the pages. It’s easier to carry around that way.”

In addition to their publishing efforts, the members of Grandpa Abraham also intended to bring Islam’s holy text into popular culture. “Bumper stickers, tattoos, everything,” Tillman recalled. “And what’s our favorite public activity, as Christians? Bible-beating! Well, when we invited our Muslim friends to a Qur’an Beating, they seemed really upset by the suggestion.”

On Duke’s campus, the Depressio interviewed one Muslim who was disgusted by the group’s overtures. “Wait, you mean they said they were trying to reach out to us? I thought this was another fringe group, trying to make us feel unwelcome.” He gazed across the quad, to where several Qur’an-wielding Grandpa Abraham members were engaged in an angry debate with a professor of evolutionary biology.  ”It’s just embarrassing. I’d rather they just burn the thing and get it overwith.”

For her part, Maria Tillman is contrite. “I was heartbroken to see Christians treating Muslims so terribly,” she says. “I just thought they’d want to be treated like everyone else. Looks like I was wrong; not everybody wants to see their holiest scriptures reduced to the size of a postage stamp and hanging from the mirror of my Subaru. Well, live and learn.”

You might’ve thought the Depressio was finished. Dead. Or, even worse, graduated. But be assured that these bones live, and this body has been raised in glory and triumph. Like Jesus before us, we are planning to make the most of our time here, by eating fish, spooking our friends, and bossing you around.

—The Editors

A large and controversial book-burning was canceled this past week, eliciting shouts of joy and relief on Duke’s campus and across the country.

“I can’t believe we live in a world where people would publicly burn books they disagree with,” one student proclaimed. “It seems rather medieval. I prefer retreating to the academy, where I can dispense with objectionable books using the fire of rhetoric, fueled by gross mischaracterizations of my opponent’s position. It’s how I got into my doctoral program.” Another nearby student nodded her head in agreement, adding, “whatever builds up the church.”

Other students expressed disappointment in the canceled book burning. “I was really looking forward to it. It would have made for the perfect pre-game tailgating barbecue,” second year Tina Jefferson told the Depressio. When asked why she wanted to burn the Koran on campus, the student responded, “The Koran? No, no, no, nobody was going to burn the Koran around here. That’s appalling. We were planning on burningbooks that we really have a problem with. I had two full boxes of Mark Driscoll books I have been wanting to get rid of, and throwing them away or giving them to goodwill just didn’t feel right. Driscoll says that as a single woman, I must be burning with passion. Today I make good on that claim.”

Other students indicated their desire to burn books ranging from Adolf von Harnack’s “What is Christianity?” to, strangely, Dr. Seuss’s beloved classic, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” Although support for a campus book-burning was considerable, student and faculty opposition eventually won the day. Dr. Norman Wirzba told the Depressio, “I’m really glad those students decided to cancel the book burning on campus. Can you imagine what will happen when those ashes make their way into the earth? There are already too many toxins in the ground; do I have to think about eating food that has been growing in Niebuhr-contaminated soil, too? It makes me sick.”

Meanwhile, a few professors were intrigued by the amount of attention the book burning received from local media outlets. Among them is New Testament professor Douglas Campbell. “I’m thinking of hiring some students to burn my own book, which can be found on Amazon.com for  $37.80 and comes with a complimentary Flight of the Conchords poster,” he told the Depressio in an email. “After seeing how this Florida debacle lit up the blogosphere, and even motivated some people to read the Koran for the first time, I figure a book burning of my own should probably bring in at least 10-15 new readers.” Campbell added that this strategy would effectively double the number of people who have actually succeeded in reading his 1200 page volume cover-to-cover — a feat rivaled only by the technological achievement of incinerating such a massive, dense object. “People resort to book-burnings because we have faith in the First Amendment,” Campbell explained. “Or, as I prefer to say, because of the faithfulness OF the First Amendment.”

As the semester winds down, students across the Divinity School have been in an uproar. What is the reason behind the community rumblings? Finals stress? Oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico? The realization that most graduating seniors shelled out some major coin simply to avoid the real world until the job market was as bad as possible?  While these factors have undoubtedly been a cause of angst for a very small minority of students, most of the anger among divinity students seems to derive from their frustrated love for a fickle maiden: the Depressio.

One source close to the Depressio indicated that the beloved satire blog has been relatively quiet this semester because The Man is forcing the authors to devote their time to their studies and preparation for ministry. While Dean Laceye Warner did confirm that she had rejected the humorists’ request for Directed Study credit, she does not feel that the administration is to blame for the Depressio’s slowdown.

“Surely, they aren’t spending more than five or ten minutes on each article,” she said quizzically. “Are they?”

Warner’s defense of the Jones administration seems justified. Sources inside the administration have informed the Depressio that some faculty members have been conducting a “witch hunt” to find the identity of any students who are putting pressure on the Depressio’s writers by fulfilling their course requirements. One Admissions official told the Depressio, “We don’t bring in students who will disrespect the Duke Divinity School name by writing lame papers and irrelevant finals. We want students who will use their valuable time to make fun of those things.”

Rev. Chris Brady also voiced his hope that the students behind the Depressio would set aside their books for the sake of student morale. “The Depressio has never once made a joke about me,” Brady said. “I appreciate that so much, I’m starting to regret that we turned them down for DSC funding.”

Registrar Kojak Maberry says that he’s tried to offer all the support he can. “When I met with them, we went through the checklist until graduation: articles on new degree programs for robots, Baptist students protesting the dunk tank at our divinity school picnic, the senior class gift being equivalent to three meals at the Refectory - you know, the standard requirements. I wouldn’t have expected them to lose focus. I’ve tried to encourage them with my mass emails. That lottery joke was my personal tribute to these brave students.”

In light of the obvious importance of the Depressio to student life, we have decided to turn pro at the end of this year. After two years of toiling as student-bloggers, we look forward to devoting ourselves full-time to offering the Divinity School commercial-free satire. We can only assume that the Lord will provide for our financial needs as we pursue this holy calling.

Since Gregory Jones’ appointment to Senior Advisor for International Strategy at Duke University, students and faculty members at the Divinity School have noticed some unusual behavior from their soon-to-step-down dean. “Last week, I swear I saw him in the morning walking to his office in a bathrobe and slippers, carrying a newspaper and a mug of coffee,” Middler Ethan Torrey reported. Spend some time in the Divinity school’s long, privacy-free corridors, and it’s not long before you hear students whispering about the latest Jones rumor.

From naps in the prayer-room to saran-wrapping the Westbrook toilets, Jones’ mayhem is becoming more and more frequent, and some faculty and staff members are becoming concerned. Registrar Kojak Maberry commented, “I’m seeing shades of John Belushi in Animal House. It was pretty fun at first, but now it’s infringing upon my ability to do work. I could show you fifty emails in my inbox from Dean Jones with the subject line, “URGENT MATTER: READ IMMEDIATELY,” followed by a link to a farting preacher clip.”

Some of Jones’ antics have been more playful than anything else, showing a lighter side to the respected leader. “When Dean Jones welcomed our class at orientation,” Junior Adam Levenson said, “I never would have thought one day he’d be coaxing me to skip class for a quick nine of frolf.” However, there is a darker side to this levity, as Levenson discovered. “After he finally accepted my ‘no,’  think I heard him call me a lame-wad as he sulked off. It hurt.” 

Other capers have been more unruly. Second-year Macey Fickman was preaching last week in chapel, and Dean Jones seemed to have a cough throughout. Fickman was not convinced.  “He might say he was ‘coughing,’ but I heard him repeatedly exclaiming ‘snores-ville.’ I was humiliated.” Jones is also gaining a reputation for interrupting students while they’re studying. “I’m growing more and more tired of his daily ‘Reference Room raids.’ It takes a good ten minutes for me to pick up all my papers and brush off the silly string,” preceptor Jim Wardle exclaimed.

Such frustration is even beginning to extend to Jones’ longtime and trusted administrative assistant Mary Ann Drusser. “I remember the days when [Dean] Jones would work so hard he didn’t have time for lunch. He’d assign me all sorts of important work, like contacting global church leaders and planning strategic meetings. Now, he has me going to the Armadillo Grille at least five times a day to refill his nacho tray.”

Jones had this to say about accusations that he has one foot out the door: “At first, when I got beat in horse…er, got my new position, I felt a profound sense of loss. For thirteen years, I’ve been the Dean of one of the most prestigious, rigorous, and exciting schools in the world. But what I didn’t realize is that the Divinity school is also one of the most funnest places ever! What good is holy friendship without some holy humor, some consecrated comedy, some sanctified silliness?”

Dean Jones then whispered to us, “I love your work,” and promised to reference The Depressio in his message at baccalaureate. Then he beat us in frolf.  

On Monday night, Duke’s campus erupted into a jubilant conflagration as students gathered to celebrate Duke Divinity School’s national publicity victory.

Anticipation for the Divinity School’s network television debut had been building all weekend. Students, many of whom were painted Duke Divinity blue, began to fill Cameron Indoor Stadium late Monday afternoon, in hopes of catching a glimpse of the school’s famous boat/cross/rainbow logo on the big screen. Their enthusiastic support of Duke Divinity School was rewarded at approximately 10:26 p.m. when two signs bearing the DDS name appeared briefly on CBS.

The euphoria that followed took its toll on the student body. After wildly cheering the Divinity School’s national television debut, most students needed a rest. Reports indicate that students were glued to their seats for the next hour, not really doing anything at all. They stored up their energy until approximately 11:40 p.m. when, as if on cue, the entire student body decided to honor the United Methodist church’s logo by starting an immense bonfire.

“We’re gonna remember this forever! I love Duke [Divinity School]!” exclaimed one undergraduate reveler. Perhaps the only thing burning hotter than the campus benches was national interest in the Divinity School, one of Duke’s oldest professional schools. “Duke Divinity School” was even a trending topic on Twitter for a brief time.*

Some students found the promotion distasteful. According to graduating-with-high-honors senior Rich Goodier, “While I understand better than anyone the crunch the school is feeling in these lean economic times, I nevertheless believe that the body of Christ, including its institutions, is called to resist capitalist modes of exchange and self-commodification (a belief I’ve written about here: richgoodier.wordpress.com). I hope to foster the end of this shameful self-promotion in the Church, and would love to embody this message in vocational ministry at a Baptist church in need of a dashing, theologically-trained young man whose exemplary life bears witness to Christ.”

With a more positive take on the event, average undergraduate junior Nolan Smith offered his reflections a few days later. “I wasn’t in Cameron that night; I had to be in Indiana for something. But when I watched the tape, I saw something that I’ll never forget. I’m not sure what that lady was talking about in her interview, but I do know this: Duke Divinity School loves CBS. That just means so much.”

*The part about Twitter is actually true, as is the fact that at least 50% of the tweets also contained the words “douche” or “douchebags”. Don’t shoot the messenger.

To: The Cameron Crazies

From: Satan

Re: Stop Chanting Please

Dear Esteemed Devils,

I greet you in the name of myself. While you may be surprised to receive a missive directly from the Lord of the Underworld, I want to assure you that I mean you no harm. People get really skittish around me sometimes. I mean, if I was coming to claim your soul, do you think I would send a memo to be posted on a third-rate satire blog?

Anyway: I was down in my man-cave recently, and I flipped on ESPN to see a sea of blue-painted students chanting “Let’s Go Devils!” This pleased me immensely, and I soon found myself chanting right along with you. (I don’t know what happens when you chant those words, but when I do it the very depths of Hell heave with the agonized cries of reprobate souls.) However, there is another of your favored chants which I simply cannot join, and this is the reason for my writing.

Please, for the sake of my sanity, stop yelling “Go to Hell, Carolina, Go to Hell!” I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. I know it’s just an idle turn of phrase for you, gleefully deployed in the spirit of a rivalry. I understand that many of you (students and professors alike) don’t even believe that Hell exists, or has inhabitants. But in my capacity as the sovereign of Hell and chief arbiter of eternal damnation, I must do everything within my power to ensure that the UNC Men’s Basketball team does not spend eternity down here. The truth is, that would just be too much punishment for my fellow residents.

It is not widely known, but the Tar Heels have actually been down here before. In the summer of 2008, a delegation of players and coaches traveled from Chapel Hill to the gates of Hell in order to negotiate the terms of their 2009 national championship. It took us over two weeks to come to an agreement about what they would give me in exchange for a guarantee of a Final Four victory. Now, I can’t divulge the specifics of that deal. But I can tell you this: those guys are insufferable. All day long, they whine: they’re hungry, they’re too hot, they can’t get a cell signal. Although I am not a corporeal being, I eventually had to take a physical form, just so that I could plug up my ears and get some peace and quiet.

The worst was when we let them play in our summer basketball league. First of all, kudos on another appropriate cheer: as it turns out, Tyler does travel every time. However, Mr. Hansbrough also managed to win the hearts of our referees, even though their souls are my eternal property. (How he managed that, I’ll never know.) The bottom line is, I was here on “Holy Saturday,” when Jesus showed up, and I’ve got to tell you, nothing was as harrowing as having to spend time with the 2009 UNC Tar Heels.

The 2010 Tar Heels, as you know, are quite a different matter altogether. While they do not smack of entitlement like last year’s squad, it is my opinion that if they arrived in Hell, they’d bring down the caliber of play in our league too much. They are clearly more suited for the NIT, and perhaps your future chants could direct them to that destination instead of to Hell.

Although it seems to go against the spirit of the place, the bottom line is this: I am concerned that the Tar Heels will make Hell too unbearable of a place to live, even for me. You know, the greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world I didn’t exist; if Roy Williams shows up down here again, I’m turning off the lights and hiding behind the sofa until he’s convinced that nobody is home.

I appreciate your consideration of this matter.

Sincerely,

The Evil One

The divinity school has become gripped in an aura of unease and discomfort during the last few days. While angst among Duke students is generally high around March, recent studies have shown that the cause is not due to a fear that the men’s basketball is probably going to get bounced in the Sweet 16 again this year. No, this year there is one thing that is keeping Duke Divinity students up at night: Lent. That’s right, the church season that is supposed to be about repentance and confession is giving most of the student population the willies. Take the evangelical student population, for example. For most of these students, the only interaction they have with Lent comes in the form of a regular belly button inspection. As a result, many divinity evangelicals have resorted to faking Lenten disciplines, lest they be ostracized from the wider community. One anonymous student told the Depressio “Lent was never a struggle for me, until I came to divinity school. Now I have to just fake it in order to fit in with my peers. I’ve tried saying that I’m “journaling” or something similar, but that wasn’t effective enough. I’ve had to start giving up alcohol so that my friends can see I’m committed. What’s even worse is that my beer buzz is coming a drink or two earlier now on Sunday nights – I thought I had lost this childlike experience in college.”

Other students are taking a different approach. With spring time on the horizon and students needing to get into shape for tanning season by the pool, many have given up meat or some other form of snacking. “I figured since I’m already going to be suffering for the Lord, why not work on my love handles while I’m at it?” said second year student Todd Ferguson. “What’s most important during Lent is that I focus on this season of repentance and self-reflection, but also that I look good for those late April study sessions by the pool. I need to be shining like the sun in front of a lectern at field ed this summer.”

Yet another popular Lenten discipline among students has been the adoption of going to Morning Prayer or worship on a regular basis. Third year student Melissa Robinson told the Depressio “In this time of Lent, I couldn’t think of a better way to draw nearer to Christ than by actually praying to Him or worshipping Him. It’s definitely not something I normally do, but sometimes you just have to give it up to God, you know what I mean?” Miss Robinson went on to say “I know it is going to be difficult, waking up early and stuff, but think about how great it will feel when Easter comes and I can sleep in again!” When asked about the tension of celebrating the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by stopping prayer and worship, Miss Robinson looked confused and returned nothing but a blank stare.

Duke Divinity School announced today that, pursuant to the terms of a wager between Dean L. Gregory Jones and Professor Richard B. Hays, Jones will be stepping down from his position at the end of this term. Hays will assume control of the world-renowned institution after having defeated Jones in game of H-O-R-S-E in Cameron Indoor Stadium last month.

The news of Hays’ promotion to the position of Dean surprised many.

“Typically, we’d expect to be consulted on such transitions,” acknowledged one member of the Board of Visitors, speaking on condition of anonymity. “As a Methodist, I’m opposed to gambling, of course. But as a Duke fan, I know that the highest virtue is honor, in victory as well as in defeat. So, once a bet has been made, you can’t go back on it.”

For his part, Jones says he has no regrets. In an informal interview with the Depressio amid his box-filled office last week, the outgoing Dean revealed that he’s been playing high-stakes basketball games for years. “Some might ask, ‘Why would you wager your job?’ Honestly, it’s a bet I’ve made hundreds of times before,” he confided. “I won this job on the basketball court, and I kept this job on the basketball court. It’s only fitting that I should lose this job on the basketball court. Richard played a masterful game.”

The match took a decisive turn when Hays, already down H-O to H-O-R-S, connected on a between-the-legs reverse layup. He followed that up with a left-handed free throw, and an impossible heave from the scorer’s table. Jones could make no answer.

“I challenged him for the Dean’s position three years ago, but Greg has an amazing ability to hit shots with his eyes closed from anywhere on the floor,” Hays told reporters at his post-game press conference. “So ever since then, I’ve been coming to Cameron late at night, honing my game. I’m just glad all my hard work paid off. And of course, I dedicate this performance to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

Before the recent upset, Jones had rarely been rivaled in a game of H-O-R-S-E. “Many have tried to compete, but nobody ever came close,” Jones remarked wistfully. “Don’t get me wrong: we have some ballers on the faculty. Warren Smith specializes in drop-kicking the ball into the basket, and Randy Maddox can actually touch the backboard when he shoots a layup. But nobody can match my sweet jumpshot. Or my Scheyerface.”

When asked about his plans for the future, Jones was noncommittal. “I think I might write the memoir of my years in academic administration. You know, a Gilead-style reflection. Have you ever read Gilead?”

University President Richard Brodhead, however, does not appear ready to let Jones ride off into the sunset. “Dean Jones’ talents are manifold, and Duke can still use his service,” Brodhead said in a press release. “To that end, he has enrolled in the minimum number of credits necessary for him to lace up for next month’s home game against UNC.” ESPN analysts predict a Duke win, noting that even though Jones is coming off of a tough loss to his colleague, UNC has lost 8 of their last 10 games, and can’t even find the bottom of the net with their eyes open.

Technology bloggers and white suburbanites across the country were buzzing with excitement after Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad last month. Jobs told the Depressio he hopes that the latest piece of technology from Apple will revolutionize the e-reader marketplace while simultaneously “kicking the Kindle’s ass.” While the iPad rightly garnered most of the attention from the mainstream media, we at the Depressio did a little investigative work to discover that Apple also intends to provide a new line of products designed specifically for clergy. An Apple insider told the Depressio that the company’s first move into this budding marketplace will be in the form of a device called the iStole. In a candid interview with the Depressio, Jobs said, “We are really excited about this product for clergy. And if I may be blunt, we normally don’t like to puff our chests out too much here at Apple, but let’s just say that whole water-to-wine miracle won’t seem like that big of a deal when people see this baby.” When asked to offer some more details about the iStole, Jobs went on to say, “we expect it to used a lot of the Apple interface designs that we have used in products like iTunes and the iPod, For example, we are looking to use Cover Flow as our main mode of browsing through different options and features that the iStole will offer. And we are especially excited about providing the opportunity to change the color of the iStole so that it can adapt to the church calendar and the different colors of the church year. Now when Lent rolls around, all you will have to do is use Cover Flow to scroll through the different colors and pick the color that is most appropriate for your congregation’s altar decorations.” The Apple design team was also psyched about offering iTunes on the iStole. One anonymous designer told the Depressio “in order to make the iStole more attractive for weekly preachers, we are hoping to open a new category of downloadable audio files on iTunes that will revolutionize the pulpit. Now instead of spending hours working on a sermon that nobody will listen to, you will be able to get a feed from the iStole directly into your ear so that you can preach your favorite sermons from Augustine, Calvin or Bonhoeffer without anyone knowing you totally ripped it off.” For you Methodists out there, the Depressio has learned that sermons from Pelagius will be available for download to the iStole, so be sure to start saving your money now.