February 2011
1 post
Clearing the Chronicle's Name
We sent out word yesterday that we’d discovered one of our articles posted to the Chronicle’s website, without any attribution. As an anonymous publication, it was hard to argue that we deserved credit, but it still seemed wrong.
We’re happy to say that one of you communicated with the Chronicle’s editor, who cleared things up. It seems that last year, somebody went rogue...
September 2010
2 posts
Local Christians Vow to Treat Qur'an 'Just Like We...
After a well-intentioned effort at reaching out to the Muslim community, a local Christian group has found itself at the middle of an international media frenzy.
According to the website of “Grandpa Abraham,” an ecumenical Christian group in Durham, the group’s mission is “to promote and celebrate the equality of all religious traditions.” This week, they learned that their mission may be more...
Mixed Reactions to Canceled Book Burning
You might’ve thought the Depressio was finished. Dead. Or, even worse, graduated. But be assured that these bones live, and this body has been raised in glory and triumph. Like Jesus before us, we are planning to make the most of our time here, by eating fish, spooking our friends, and bossing you around.
—The Editors
A large and controversial book-burning was canceled this...
May 2010
1 post
Satire Bloggers Attempting to Complete...
As the semester winds down, students across the Divinity School have been in an uproar. What is the reason behind the community rumblings? Finals stress? Oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico? The realization that most graduating seniors shelled out some major coin simply to avoid the real world until the job market was as bad as possible? While these factors have undoubtedly been a cause of angst for...
April 2010
2 posts
Exiting Dean Having Time of His Life
Since Gregory Jones’ appointment to Senior Advisor for International Strategy at Duke University, students and faculty members at the Divinity School have noticed some unusual behavior from their soon-to-step-down dean. “Last week, I swear I saw him in the morning walking to his office in a bathrobe and slippers, carrying a newspaper and a mug of coffee,” Middler Ethan Torrey...
Campus Bonfire Celebrates Duke Divinity School TV...
On Monday night, Duke’s campus erupted into a jubilant conflagration as students gathered to celebrate Duke Divinity School’s national publicity victory.
Anticipation for the Divinity School’s network television debut had been building all weekend. Students, many of whom were painted Duke Divinity blue, began to fill Cameron Indoor Stadium late Monday afternoon, in hopes of catching a glimpse of...
March 2010
1 post
An Open Letter from Satan to the Cameron Crazies
To: The Cameron Crazies
From: Satan
Re: Stop Chanting Please
Dear Esteemed Devils,
I greet you in the name of myself. While you may be surprised to receive a missive directly from the Lord of the Underworld, I want to assure you that I mean you no harm. People get really skittish around me sometimes. I mean, if I was coming to claim your soul, do you think I would send a memo to be posted on a...
February 2010
4 posts
Student Lenten Disciplines Raising Eyebrows
The divinity school has become gripped in an aura of unease and discomfort during the last few days. While angst among Duke students is generally high around March, recent studies have shown that the cause is not due to a fear that the men’s basketball is probably going to get bounced in the Sweet 16 again this year. No, this year there is one thing that is keeping Duke Divinity students up at...
Hays Defeats Jones in High-Stakes Game of HORSE
Duke Divinity School announced today that, pursuant to the terms of a wager between Dean L. Gregory Jones and Professor Richard B. Hays, Jones will be stepping down from his position at the end of this term. Hays will assume control of the world-renowned institution after having defeated Jones in game of H-O-R-S-E in Cameron Indoor Stadium last month.
The news of Hays’ promotion to the...
Apple Unveils New Line of Products for Clergy
Technology bloggers and white suburbanites across the country were buzzing with excitement after Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad last month. Jobs told the Depressio he hopes that the latest piece of technology from Apple will revolutionize the e-reader marketplace while simultaneously “kicking the Kindle’s ass.” While the iPad rightly garnered most of the attention from the mainstream...
DDS Faculty Divided Over Enrollment of Avatars
The January meeting of Duke Divinity School’s faculty erupted into discord last week. At issue: the school’s contentious new policy of admitting avatars to its Master’s programs. The proposal, put forward by a specially-appointed Dean’s task force, would expand enrollment by 75 spaces, beginning with the Fall 2010 semester.
“There is a lot of upside to this...
January 2010
2 posts
Refectory Exploring New Business Opportunities
Spurred by the advent of new marketing ventures by restaurant business heavyweight Taco Bell, the divinity school Refectory announced last week that it is introducing some new features to increase both sustainability and customer demand. Headlining the Refectory’s makeover will be a new sandwich station aimed at connecting customers more intimately to their food.
“We’ll still be...
Technological Imagination: the Depressio Completes...
We’re still working on a couple incompletes (or, as we like to call them, “anticipateds”), so, like network TV, we’ve got something of a rerun for you. Here’s a copy of a portion of one of our course evaluations from last semester.
What technology, if any, would you like to have had in this course?
Well, I’m glad you asked. A decade ago, I remember sitting in...
December 2009
3 posts
Faculty Pull an Ehrman
As the last few days of the semester come to their conclusion, divinity school students and faculty have resorted to their customary practices and routines for reading and exam weeks. Students have been seen carrying blowup mattresses, cigarettes and industrial-sized coffee makers into the divinity school library, where they plan on setting up shop for marathon study sessions on campus. Other...
Wainwright Hints at New Systematics
In a forthcoming journal article, Professor Geoffrey Wainwright is expected to lay the groundwork for a new systematic theology that takes its structure and approach from an unlikely source: the world of music. In an apparent response to Dr. J. Kameron Carter’s well-known contention that theology should be a disciplined, improvisational performance, like jazz, Wainwright maintains that the...
Narrative Community Overrun by Stories of Vampires
Longtime critics of Duke Divinity School’s focus on narrative theology appear poised to have the last laugh this December, as the venerated theological institution has been brought to its knees by a wave of vampirism thought to have its origins in the narratives of the popular Twilight series.
For years, Duke’s theology, ethics, and biblical studies departments have all emphasized the centrality...
November 2009
2 posts
Lischer, Hays Release Album
Two of Duke Divinity School’s most esteemed faculty members are scheduled to perform songs from their forthcoming album at a CD release party Friday night. Dr. Richard Hays, the George Washington Ivey Professor of New Testament, and Dr. Richard Lischer, the James T. and Alice Mead Cleland Professor of Preaching, have garnered high critical praise for their first collaborative venture, entitled...
Marcus Plans Commentary Revision
A Ph.D. student has informed the Depressio that New Testament and Christian Origins scholar Joel Marcus is planning a significant revision in the second edition of his monumental Mark commentary. In order to understand the revision, we had to first get some background information from student. “In his first edition, Marcus made heavy use of J. Louis Martyn’s literary theory of a ‘two-level...
October 2009
7 posts
Classes Having an Impact on Divinity School Dating
Reports obtained by the Depressio have shown that the recent flurry of midterm examinations, papers and field ed sermons have created a substantial amount of turbulence among divinity school dating relationships. For students looking to maintain new romances, the midterm period is providing a good opportunity to judge their sustainability. Second year M. Div. Julie Anderson has placed herself in...
Barth and Willimon to Appear at Book-Signing Today
Bishop William H. Willimon and Protestant theologian Karl Barth will be outside the Cokesbury bookstore on Thursday at 12:30 pm, signing copies of their new book, The Early Preaching of Karl Barth. The two eminent Christian authors, who collaborated for over eighty years to compose this work, have high hopes that their book-signing tour will help boost sales.
“Karl Barth will...
C-1 Bus Not Only Thing Inflamed
Last Wednesday, October 14th, one of Duke’s C-1 buses caught fire. Fortunately, no one was injured, but Div Student Mary Ann Buckley hopes that students’ consciences are pained. Buckley is serving this year in the Div School’s new C-1 placement, and is telling everyone who will listen that the fire is a “proleptic eschatological judgement.” “I read the...
Chaps Throws OT11 Class Under the Bus
Tenured Professor Stephen Chapman recently called out certain members of his OT 11 class in a sermon written for The Christian Century, referring to them as “Sons of Entitlement.” As a reaction to Dr. Chapman’s sermon, the Depressio has learned that many white males in the first year class are forming an Entitlement club, complete with secret handshakes and t-shirts. When asked...
UPDATE: Pneumonastics Community Shuts its Doors
In a startling development, the recently-launched Pneumonastic community in Walltown announced Sunday that they will be closing their doors later this week. Community spokesman Matthew Jimenez explained their change of course. “After the Depressio article about our movement last Thursday, we’ve been getting a ton of attention. As it happened, someone mailed us a copy of The God...
New Monastics One-Upped by Pneumonastic Community
In a sign of escalating tensions among Durham’s radically faithful Christian disciples, a new intentional community has been started in Walltown, not far from the well-known Rutba House. Apparently seeking to distinguish themselves from the so-called “New Monastic” movement, the group of recent Duke Divinity School graduates has named itself the “Pneumonastics”.
Pneumonastic community facilitator...
MTS Students Launch General Uprising
The usual chaos of the week before Fall Break took an unexpected turn for the worse on Wednesday afternoon, when a group of zealous MTS students declared the beginning of a forceful campaign to assert their rights and promote their interests within the DDS community.
The MTS Liberation Front (MTSLF) began when leader and second year MTS student John Bloomsdale stood at the top of the Westbrook...
September 2009
7 posts
Man vs. Wild Grad Students
At Duke University’s “campout” event two weeks ago, graduate students struggled to win a basketball season ticket. Bear Grylls, however, was concerned with another matter: survival. Grylls is an accomplished British outdoorsman and is one of the youngest Britons ever to climb Mt. Everest without brushing his teeth. He has become a pop-culture icon through his show Man vs....
Student Really Looking Forward to Campout This...
Sources have confirmed that first year M. Div student Mark Williams is currently setting up his tent in preparation for campout this weekend. A little perplexed as to why nobody else is setting up tents, or why the registration table isn’t where GPSC said it would be, Mr. Williams is undeterred, ready to settle in for a weekend of late night check-ins, awkward interactions with other grad students...
Constitution Day
The U.S. Constitution was signed on September 17, 1787. Since that time, more than 100 countries around the world have used it as a model for their own constitutions. Today, the U.S. Constitution stands as one of the most influential documents in existence. In 2005, Congress enacted a requirement that all institutions receiving federal funds commemorate the anniversary of the signing of the United...
Here's to you, Coach K
The Depressio was so moved by Coach K’s speech at GPSC basketball campout that we decided to write a letter of thanks and appreciation to His Holiness. Here is the letter, in its entirety.
To the Most Eminent Coach K,
Let us be the first to thank you for the rousing speech you delivered at GPSC Campout 2009 on Saturday evening. Not only was it well thought out, masterfully crafted,...
Student Thinks She's Taking Dr. Carter's Class
Second year student Leslie Cary is currently unaware that Dr. J. Kameron Carter is on sabbatical and that she is enrolled in Bishop Carder’s Introduction to Christian Ministry by mistake. Fellow Carder students report that it all began the first day of class when she greeted Bishop Carder with a jovial “shalom!” in an apparent effort to fake Jewish identity in hopes of a better grade. “I was okay...
DDS Announces New Leadership Initiative
On Friday, Duke Divinity School Dean L. Gregory Jones announced the formation of a new office to oversee and evaluate the institution’s various research efforts in the area of church leadership. The Center for Excellence in the Academic Study of Excellent Leadership at Duke Divinity School will be the first concerted effort by an American university to study the effectiveness of those who study...
Faculty Reflection Cheat Sheet Found
This summer, while rifling through a trash can for an Alpine Bagels coffee cup for a free refill, we at the Depressio found the following document, which was apparently circulated among the faculty from the field education office. Due to the nature of the discovery of this document, we make no claims to its authenticity.
Duke Divinity School Field Education Office
To: Faculty Members Leading...
August 2009
6 posts
Field Ed Office Announces New Placement: C-1 Bus
Rev. Susan P. Jones held a brief press conference yesterday to announce plans for a new academic year field ed placement aboard the Duke University C-1 bus, available for the upcoming term. “After careful planning and deliberation,” Rev. Jones said, “we have come to the conclusion that the C-1 bus is a place that is ripe for ministry. Anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes on the bus,...
An Open Letter Regarding Your First-Year Writing...
The Depressio obtained the following letter Thursday night from a recycling bin outside the Center for Theology, Writing, and Media.
Dear Mr. Carlson,
Welcome to Duke Divinity School. On behalf of the Center for Theology, Writing, and Media, thank you for taking the time to compose and submit your thoughts on this summer’s required reading. Your writing communicates clearly and enthusiastically...
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Orientation Live-blog
We at the Depressio believe strongly that the younger generation should be given a voice, and one that is free from oppressive, bourgeoisie constraints such as charitable propriety, thoughtful reflection, and logical transitions. “Give me comma splices or give me death,” we proclaim. While the first year students must complete a writing sample before it qualifies for the eyes of our esteemed...
Students Tried Too Hard During Field Ed
Durham, NC - As students left last semester for their summer field ed placements, the field education staff gave riveting speeches about how important it would be to connect classroom education with the upcoming internships. Recent reports have shown, however, that many students took these exhortations too literally. According to second year student Timothy Greene, the problem began his first...
Guess Who’s Back....
Well ladies and germs, it has been a long summer. After three months of suspense and restless nights, breathe easy. We know some of you have been sitting at your field office, reloading the Depressio page fifty times a day, in hopes that something new will appear on the page. We at the Depressio have shared your despair, and are eager to get back to work for a new semester of silliness and satire....
April 2009
11 posts
It's So Hard.....To Say Good-Bye......To Yesterday
All good things must come to an end, and the inaugural semester of The Depressio is certainly no different. But before we ride off into the golden sunset of field ed for the summer, we have some words of thanks to offer. To our regular readers: thanks for giving us the opportunity to distract you for a few minutes away from your studies in order to provide some humor to your daily routine. It...
Student Accidentally Receives Holy Spirit During...
The serenity of Goodson Chapel was shattered early yesterday morning when the Holy Spirit unexpectedly entered the body of H. Thomas Windsor, sending the M.Div. middler into a stream of spontaneous verbal expression that could be heard as far as two rows away, according to eyewitnesses.
“I sincerely apologize for my behavior yesterday morning,” Windsor said in a prepared statement released last...
Student's Facebook Word Count Discovered to be a...
It must be late April at Duke Divinity School. The trees are bursting with new life; the undergraduates are scandalizing us without even saying a word; and Facebook is full of status updates from weary students declaring their progress through final papers. Sadly, like a beautiful tree spewing pollen or a scantily clad college student, Facebook statuses are a pleasant sign of spring that mask a...
Broadway Revue Unmasked
Broadway Revue 2009 was a smashing success last week. From children to the elderly, everyone left with a smile on their face, a tune on their lips, and a jig in their walk. You would think this was a performance school, not a divinity school.
Or would you?
You see, behind the singing and dancing and gags and laughs, there was an ideological agenda advanced by the masterminds of the show—a...
Divinity School Official Confronts Economic Woes
Two weeks ago, Duke Divinity school’s Dean of Students, Gregory Jones, emailed the student body about the school’s response to the surrounding economic crisis, informing students of the school’s particular challenges and soliciting feedback. Most students deleted the email immediately. “I almost read it, but decided not to, on ethical grounds” Samantha Payne remarked. “If...
Stuff Duke Divinity People Like: Becoming Anglican
Looking to switch churches? Are you a Methodist, trying to escape all those laborious course requirements? A Baptist, frustrated that out of all the denominations at Duke, you talk about baptism the least? Maybe you don’t have strong ties to any particular church, and have tried non-denominational, but you never know what to say during extemporaneous prayer. Or perhaps you just don’t have the...
In Easter Miracle, Librarian Emerges from Three...
In a precedented, but nevertheless startling turn of events, Divinity Library associate director Randy Heck reappeared to a number of his colleagues on Sunday afternoon. Rev. Heck was believed to have perished in the library on Friday afternoon, after publishing a blog post in which he bemoaned himself as “forsaken” by God and “buried” by everyone’s requests for help with the printer.
Heck had...
Student Thinks Boyfriend's Anti-Marriage Sermon...
Second year M.Div. student Michelle Rodriguez received an unpleasant surprise when she attended Tuesday’s Service of the Word to hear her long-time boyfriend, Chad Hollinger, preach a sermon entitled, “A Ministry of One.” “I thought the title referred to the one true Gospel, or maybe the one holy, catholic, and apostolic church,” Rodriguez stated after the service. “Turns out his subtitle was,...
Duke Students Launch Parody of Depressio
There was a buzz in the air yesterday around the Divinity School uncharacteristic of a Monday. At library carrels, around water fountains, and between bathroom stalls, student yammered over the excitement of the day: the release of tickets for GPSC’s Spring Formal event. “I’m going with my two best friends,” Stephanie Michael said. “We’re hoping to meet med-school guys. We even have a motto: ring...
Steinmetz Announces New Book at Retirement...
In the closing moments of his retirement lecture last Thursday night, Dr. David Steinmetz announced that a sequel to his seminal book Calvin in Context would be released in May. He indicated that the new book would be drastically different from the original. “For my entire career,” Steinmetz told the Depressio, “I’ve been trying to teach my students and colleagues how to...
Registration Day Brings Joy for Some, Boredom for...
It’s that time of year again, time to register for classes. The Depressio knows that each of you has been spending hours upon hours debating questions like which elective to take (unless you’re Methodist), which New Testament exegesis to take (unless you’re Methodist), whether to take preaching in the fall or put it off to the last semester (unless you’re Methodist), and whether to take Greek or...
Cokesbury store reports slow sales of Presley...
Durham, NC - In an effort to capitalize on the success of the new Wesley Study Bible, Zondervan Press recently released its new Presley Study Bible, to commemorate the 45th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s most successful Hollywood film, Viva Las Vegas. The Bible has been assembled by a team of world-class biblical scholars and esteemed Elvis impersonators. Though many Duke Divinity students...