You might’ve thought the Depressio was finished. Dead. Or, even worse, graduated. But be assured that these bones live, and this body has been raised in glory and triumph. Like Jesus before us, we are planning to make the most of our time here, by eating fish, spooking our friends, and bossing you around.
—The Editors
A large and controversial book-burning was canceled this past week, eliciting shouts of joy and relief on Duke’s campus and across the country.
“I can’t believe we live in a world where people would publicly burn books they disagree with,” one student proclaimed. “It seems rather medieval. I prefer retreating to the academy, where I can dispense with objectionable books using the fire of rhetoric, fueled by gross mischaracterizations of my opponent’s position. It’s how I got into my doctoral program.” Another nearby student nodded her head in agreement, adding, “whatever builds up the church.”
Other students expressed disappointment in the canceled book burning. “I was really looking forward to it. It would have made for the perfect pre-game tailgating barbecue,” second year Tina Jefferson told the Depressio. When asked why she wanted to burn the Koran on campus, the student responded, “The Koran? No, no, no, nobody was going to burn the Koran around here. That’s appalling. We were planning on burningbooks that we really have a problem with. I had two full boxes of Mark Driscoll books I have been wanting to get rid of, and throwing them away or giving them to goodwill just didn’t feel right. Driscoll says that as a single woman, I must be burning with passion. Today I make good on that claim.”
Other students indicated their desire to burn books ranging from Adolf von Harnack’s “What is Christianity?” to, strangely, Dr. Seuss’s beloved classic, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” Although support for a campus book-burning was considerable, student and faculty opposition eventually won the day. Dr. Norman Wirzba told the Depressio, “I’m really glad those students decided to cancel the book burning on campus. Can you imagine what will happen when those ashes make their way into the earth? There are already too many toxins in the ground; do I have to think about eating food that has been growing in Niebuhr-contaminated soil, too? It makes me sick.”
Meanwhile, a few professors were intrigued by the amount of attention the book burning received from local media outlets. Among them is New Testament professor Douglas Campbell. “I’m thinking of hiring some students to burn my own book, which can be found on Amazon.com for $37.80 and comes with a complimentary Flight of the Conchords poster,” he told the Depressio in an email. “After seeing how this Florida debacle lit up the blogosphere, and even motivated some people to read the Koran for the first time, I figure a book burning of my own should probably bring in at least 10-15 new readers.” Campbell added that this strategy would effectively double the number of people who have actually succeeded in reading his 1200 page volume cover-to-cover — a feat rivaled only by the technological achievement of incinerating such a massive, dense object. “People resort to book-burnings because we have faith in the First Amendment,” Campbell explained. “Or, as I prefer to say, because of the faithfulness OF the First Amendment.”
