Technology bloggers and white suburbanites across the country were buzzing with excitement after Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad last month. Jobs told the Depressio he hopes that the latest piece of technology from Apple will revolutionize the e-reader marketplace while simultaneously “kicking the Kindle’s ass.” While the iPad rightly garnered most of the attention from the mainstream media, we at the Depressio did a little investigative work to discover that Apple also intends to provide a new line of products designed specifically for clergy. An Apple insider told the Depressio that the company’s first move into this budding marketplace will be in the form of a device called the iStole. In a candid interview with the Depressio, Jobs said, “We are really excited about this product for clergy. And if I may be blunt, we normally don’t like to puff our chests out too much here at Apple, but let’s just say that whole water-to-wine miracle won’t seem like that big of a deal when people see this baby.” When asked to offer some more details about the iStole, Jobs went on to say, “we expect it to used a lot of the Apple interface designs that we have used in products like iTunes and the iPod, For example, we are looking to use Cover Flow as our main mode of browsing through different options and features that the iStole will offer. And we are especially excited about providing the opportunity to change the color of the iStole so that it can adapt to the church calendar and the different colors of the church year. Now when Lent rolls around, all you will have to do is use Cover Flow to scroll through the different colors and pick the color that is most appropriate for your congregation’s altar decorations.” The Apple design team was also psyched about offering iTunes on the iStole. One anonymous designer told the Depressio “in order to make the iStole more attractive for weekly preachers, we are hoping to open a new category of downloadable audio files on iTunes that will revolutionize the pulpit. Now instead of spending hours working on a sermon that nobody will listen to, you will be able to get a feed from the iStole directly into your ear so that you can preach your favorite sermons from Augustine, Calvin or Bonhoeffer without anyone knowing you totally ripped it off.” For you Methodists out there, the Depressio has learned that sermons from Pelagius will be available for download to the iStole, so be sure to start saving your money now.