March 7, 2013
Durham Hipsters Cross Over into Chapel Hill

By some estimates, Durham and Chapel Hill are separated by only 10-or-so miles. By other accounts, they share a common, unsecured border and are therefore separated by only 0-or-so miles. Either way, life for residents of Chapel Hill has become increasingly intolerable in recent years as a result of the unregulated influx of undesirable elements from neighboring communities.

“I’m not being prejudiced; I’m just stating a fact,” said UNC junior Madeleine Wright. “When you see some of these hipsters, you know they’re not from here.” Wright was quick to add that some hipsters, who are “clean, like Mumford & Sons,” may belong in Chapel Hill. But others are usually up to no good.

The presence of hipsters is not new for Chapel Hill residents, who have grown familiar with skinny-jean-clad individuals wandering across the town’s western border with Carrboro. But many Franklin Street pedestrians told The Depressio that things have recently gotten worse.

A Depressio analysis of ten years of Chapel Hill police records has shown that more than 30 percent of the town’s cycling violations, thrift store burglaries, and craft-beer-related arguments have come from Durham.

“Carrboro hipsters are alright,” said one beleaguered townsperson. “A lot of them are just farm kids who raided their granddaddy’s shirt collection. And the rest are UNC grads who started hanging out at Weaver Street Market in the 80’s and never left.” Duke anthropologist Sonia Jiminez confirms that Durham hipsters are different. “Their diet consists mainly of food truck items they could’ve made in their homes. Eight dollar grilled cheese, things like that. They thrive best in restaurants with communal seating or expansive warehouse bars. Durham hipsters spend their days Instragramming their vinyl collections and sanding their Ikea furniture for a more weathered look.”

Chapel Hill police chief Clark Nieman insisted that hipsters are not being subjected to profiling on Franklin Street. “There was a time when those outsiders would have gotten more attention from our department,” he acknowledged. “But that was years ago. Now, we even have a hipster cop as part of our force. Got him on loan from the Durham Police Department. They literally brought me binders full of hipsters.”

For their part, Durham residents have bristled with indignation upon learning of the attitudes swirling around Chapel Hill. “We don’t even need Chapel Hill,” declared one mustachioed man. “Bull City forever. I love every square inch of this town, from Whole Foods all the way to Fullsteam. Sure, it’s got its rough parts, like the Whole Foods parking lot. But I wouldn’t trade this place for anything.”

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  12. dinosaurdog reblogged this from depressio and added:
    haha sorry Meghan, but this is spot-on!
  13. spicedpiano reblogged this from depressio and added:
    Flawless. To see the article this one is parodying, click here.
  14. aslipshodsybil reblogged this from depressio
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  17. tbdkatie reblogged this from gatm and added:
    YESSSSSSSSSSS. Perfect response is perfect.
  18. gatm reblogged this from depressio and added:
    Perfect response to the classist and racist rant from The Daily Tar Heel.
  19. loveandcrafting reblogged this from depressio and added:
    We need to work on patrolling the borders. This is a serious problem in Chapel Hill.
  20. hokuton-punch reblogged this from depressio