Since Gregory Jones’ appointment to Senior Advisor for International Strategy at Duke University, students and faculty members at the Divinity School have noticed some unusual behavior from their soon-to-step-down dean. “Last week, I swear I saw him in the morning walking to his office in a bathrobe and slippers, carrying a newspaper and a mug of coffee,” Middler Ethan Torrey reported. Spend some time in the Divinity school’s long, privacy-free corridors, and it’s not long before you hear students whispering about the latest Jones rumor.
From naps in the prayer-room to saran-wrapping the Westbrook toilets, Jones’ mayhem is becoming more and more frequent, and some faculty and staff members are becoming concerned. Registrar Kojak Maberry commented, “I’m seeing shades of John Belushi in Animal House. It was pretty fun at first, but now it’s infringing upon my ability to do work. I could show you fifty emails in my inbox from Dean Jones with the subject line, “URGENT MATTER: READ IMMEDIATELY,” followed by a link to a farting preacher clip.”
Some of Jones’ antics have been more playful than anything else, showing a lighter side to the respected leader. “When Dean Jones welcomed our class at orientation,” Junior Adam Levenson said, “I never would have thought one day he’d be coaxing me to skip class for a quick nine of frolf.” However, there is a darker side to this levity, as Levenson discovered. “After he finally accepted my ‘no,’ think I heard him call me a lame-wad as he sulked off. It hurt.”
Other capers have been more unruly. Second-year Macey Fickman was preaching last week in chapel, and Dean Jones seemed to have a cough throughout. Fickman was not convinced. “He might say he was ‘coughing,’ but I heard him repeatedly exclaiming ‘snores-ville.’ I was humiliated.” Jones is also gaining a reputation for interrupting students while they’re studying. “I’m growing more and more tired of his daily ‘Reference Room raids.’ It takes a good ten minutes for me to pick up all my papers and brush off the silly string,” preceptor Jim Wardle exclaimed.
Such frustration is even beginning to extend to Jones’ longtime and trusted administrative assistant Mary Ann Drusser. “I remember the days when [Dean] Jones would work so hard he didn’t have time for lunch. He’d assign me all sorts of important work, like contacting global church leaders and planning strategic meetings. Now, he has me going to the Armadillo Grille at least five times a day to refill his nacho tray.”
Jones had this to say about accusations that he has one foot out the door: “At first, when I got beat in horse…er, got my new position, I felt a profound sense of loss. For thirteen years, I’ve been the Dean of one of the most prestigious, rigorous, and exciting schools in the world. But what I didn’t realize is that the Divinity school is also one of the most funnest places ever! What good is holy friendship without some holy humor, some consecrated comedy, some sanctified silliness?”
Dean Jones then whispered to us, “I love your work,” and promised to reference The Depressio in his message at baccalaureate. Then he beat us in frolf.
