As the semester winds down, students across the Divinity School have been in an uproar. What is the reason behind the community rumblings? Finals stress? Oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico? The realization that most graduating seniors shelled out some major coin simply to avoid the real world until the job market was as bad as possible? While these factors have undoubtedly been a cause of angst for a very small minority of students, most of the anger among divinity students seems to derive from their frustrated love for a fickle maiden: the Depressio.
One source close to the Depressio indicated that the beloved satire blog has been relatively quiet this semester because The Man is forcing the authors to devote their time to their studies and preparation for ministry. While Dean Laceye Warner did confirm that she had rejected the humorists’ request for Directed Study credit, she does not feel that the administration is to blame for the Depressio’s slowdown.
“Surely, they aren’t spending more than five or ten minutes on each article,” she said quizzically. “Are they?”
Warner’s defense of the Jones administration seems justified. Sources inside the administration have informed the Depressio that some faculty members have been conducting a “witch hunt” to find the identity of any students who are putting pressure on the Depressio’s writers by fulfilling their course requirements. One Admissions official told the Depressio, “We don’t bring in students who will disrespect the Duke Divinity School name by writing lame papers and irrelevant finals. We want students who will use their valuable time to make fun of those things.”
Rev. Chris Brady also voiced his hope that the students behind the Depressio would set aside their books for the sake of student morale. “The Depressio has never once made a joke about me,” Brady said. “I appreciate that so much, I’m starting to regret that we turned them down for DSC funding.”
Registrar Kojak Maberry says that he’s tried to offer all the support he can. “When I met with them, we went through the checklist until graduation: articles on new degree programs for robots, Baptist students protesting the dunk tank at our divinity school picnic, the senior class gift being equivalent to three meals at the Refectory - you know, the standard requirements. I wouldn’t have expected them to lose focus. I’ve tried to encourage them with my mass emails. That lottery joke was my personal tribute to these brave students.”
In light of the obvious importance of the Depressio to student life, we have decided to turn pro at the end of this year. After two years of toiling as student-bloggers, we look forward to devoting ourselves full-time to offering the Divinity School commercial-free satire. We can only assume that the Lord will provide for our financial needs as we pursue this holy calling.
