the Depressio

Durham Hipsters Cross Over into Chapel Hill

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 21:39:00 -0500

By some estimates, Durham and Chapel Hill are separated by only 10-or-so miles. By other accounts, they share a common, unsecured border and are therefore separated by only 0-or-so miles. Either way, life for residents of Chapel Hill has become increasingly intolerable in recent years as a result of the unregulated influx of undesirable elements from neighboring communities.

“I’m not being prejudiced; I’m just stating a fact,” said UNC junior Madeleine Wright. “When you see some of these hipsters, you know they’re not from here.” Wright was quick to add that some hipsters, who are “clean, like Mumford & Sons,” may belong in Chapel Hill. But others are usually up to no good.

The presence of hipsters is not new for Chapel Hill residents, who have grown familiar with skinny-jean-clad individuals wandering across the town’s western border with Carrboro. But many Franklin Street pedestrians told The Depressio that things have recently gotten worse.

A Depressio analysis of ten years of Chapel Hill police records has shown that more than 30 percent of the town’s cycling violations, thrift store burglaries, and craft-beer-related arguments have come from Durham.

“Carrboro hipsters are alright,” said one beleaguered townsperson. “A lot of them are just farm kids who raided their granddaddy’s shirt collection. And the rest are UNC grads who started hanging out at Weaver Street Market in the 80’s and never left.” Duke anthropologist Sonia Jiminez confirms that Durham hipsters are different. “Their diet consists mainly of food truck items they could’ve made in their homes. Eight dollar grilled cheese, things like that. They thrive best in restaurants with communal seating or expansive warehouse bars. Durham hipsters spend their days Instragramming their vinyl collections and sanding their Ikea furniture for a more weathered look.”

Chapel Hill police chief Clark Nieman insisted that hipsters are not being subjected to profiling on Franklin Street. “There was a time when those outsiders would have gotten more attention from our department,” he acknowledged. “But that was years ago. Now, we even have a hipster cop as part of our force. Got him on loan from the Durham Police Department. They literally brought me binders full of hipsters.”

For their part, Durham residents have bristled with indignation upon learning of the attitudes swirling around Chapel Hill. “We don’t even need Chapel Hill,” declared one mustachioed man. “Bull City forever. I love every square inch of this town, from Whole Foods all the way to Fullsteam. Sure, it’s got its rough parts, like the Whole Foods parking lot. But I wouldn’t trade this place for anything.”

Clearing the Chronicle's Name

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 09:56:45 -0500

We sent out word yesterday that we’d discovered one of our articles posted to the Chronicle’s website, without any attribution. As an anonymous publication, it was hard to argue that we deserved credit, but it still seemed wrong.

We’re happy to say that one of you communicated with the Chronicle’s editor, who cleared things up. It seems that last year, somebody went rogue and mailed a version of the article to the Chronicle as a letter to the editor. They decided it was funny enough for the web, but not funny enough to be printed. Which is more or less what we’ve always aimed for.

So, no harm, no foul. The story in question, An Open Letter from Satan to the Cameron Crazies, was probably our most successful story in three semesters of writing. Last spring someone shared it on a Duke basketball message board, and hundreds of people read it. We were delighted to see some of you re-posting it yesterday in anticipation of yet another victory over UNC.

We miss writing for you, but all good things come to an end. Still, this is a funny world. Enjoy it.

—The D.

Local Christians Vow to Treat Qur'an 'Just Like We Treat the Bible'

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:20:54 -0400

After a well-intentioned effort at reaching out to the Muslim community, a local Christian group has found itself at the middle of an international media frenzy.

According to the website of “Grandpa Abraham,” an ecumenical Christian group in Durham, the group’s mission is “to promote and celebrate the equality of all religious traditions.” This week, they learned that their mission may be more complicated than they first anticipated. In response to the recent proposed Qur’an burnings at a small church in Florida, the group launched a campaign to encourage Christians to treat the Qur’an exactly as they treat the Bible. But their efforts at promoting religious equality were of little comfort to members of the Muslim community.

Grandpa Abraham’s first initiative was to begin marketing versions of the Qur’an targeted at specific demographics. “The Teen Life-Application Qur’an was the centerpiece of that campaign,” said the group’s coordinator, Marcia Tillman . Also planned: the American Patriot’s Qur’an, the Qur’an for Surfers, and a Qur’an designed to look just like a copy of Seventeen Magazine. “Personally, I’m a New Testament kind of Christian,” Tillman explained. “So I also bought a bunch of Qur’ans, and tore out the first 80 percent of the pages. It’s easier to carry around that way.”

In addition to their publishing efforts, the members of Grandpa Abraham also intended to bring Islam’s holy text into popular culture. “Bumper stickers, tattoos, everything,” Tillman recalled. “And what’s our favorite public activity, as Christians? Bible-beating! Well, when we invited our Muslim friends to a Qur’an Beating, they seemed really upset by the suggestion.”

On Duke’s campus, the Depressio interviewed one Muslim who was disgusted by the group’s overtures. “Wait, you mean they said they were trying to reach out to us? I thought this was another fringe group, trying to make us feel unwelcome.” He gazed across the quad, to where several Qur’an-wielding Grandpa Abraham members were engaged in an angry debate with a professor of evolutionary biology. ”It’s just embarrassing. I’d rather they just burn the thing and get it overwith.”

For her part, Maria Tillman is contrite. “I was heartbroken to see Christians treating Muslims so terribly,” she says. “I just thought they’d want to be treated like everyone else. Looks like I was wrong; not everybody wants to see their holiest scriptures reduced to the size of a postage stamp and hanging from the mirror of my Subaru. Well, live and learn.”

Mixed Reactions to Canceled Book Burning

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 13:42:00 -0400

You might’ve thought the Depressio was finished. Dead. Or, even worse, graduated. But be assured that these bones live, and this body has been raised in glory and triumph. Like Jesus before us, we are planning to make the most of our time here, by eating fish, spooking our friends, and bossing you around.

—The Editors

A large and controversial book-burning was canceled this past week, eliciting shouts of joy and relief on Duke’s campus and across the country.

“I can’t believe we live in a world where people would publicly burn books they disagree with,” one student proclaimed. “It seems rather medieval. I prefer retreating to the academy, where I can dispense with objectionable books using the fire of rhetoric, fueled by gross mischaracterizations of my opponent’s position. It’s how I got into my doctoral program.” Another nearby student nodded her head in agreement, adding, “whatever builds up the church.”

Other students expressed disappointment in the canceled book burning. “I was really looking forward to it. It would have made for the perfect pre-game tailgating barbecue,” second year Tina Jefferson told the Depressio. When asked why she wanted to burn the Koran on campus, the student responded, “The Koran? No, no, no, nobody was going to burn the Koran around here. That’s appalling. We were planning on burningbooks that we really have a problem with. I had two full boxes of Mark Driscoll books I have been wanting to get rid of, and throwing them away or giving them to goodwill just didn’t feel right. Driscoll says that as a single woman, I must be burning with passion. Today I make good on that claim.”

Other students indicated their desire to burn books ranging from Adolf von Harnack’s “What is Christianity?” to, strangely, Dr. Seuss’s beloved classic, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” Although support for a campus book-burning was considerable, student and faculty opposition eventually won the day. Dr. Norman Wirzba told the Depressio, “I’m really glad those students decided to cancel the book burning on campus. Can you imagine what will happen when those ashes make their way into the earth? There are already too many toxins in the ground; do I have to think about eating food that has been growing in Niebuhr-contaminated soil, too? It makes me sick.”

Meanwhile, a few professors were intrigued by the amount of attention the book burning received from local media outlets. Among them is New Testament professor Douglas Campbell. “I’m thinking of hiring some students to burn my own book, which can be found on Amazon.com for $37.80 and comes with a complimentary Flight of the Conchords poster,” he told the Depressio in an email. “After seeing how this Florida debacle lit up the blogosphere, and even motivated some people to read the Koran for the first time, I figure a book burning of my own should probably bring in at least 10-15 new readers.” Campbell added that this strategy would effectively double the number of people who have actually succeeded in reading his 1200 page volume cover-to-cover — a feat rivaled only by the technological achievement of incinerating such a massive, dense object. “People resort to book-burnings because we have faith in the First Amendment,” Campbell explained. “Or, as I prefer to say, because of the faithfulness OF the First Amendment.”

Satire Bloggers Attempting to Complete Non-Satirical Master's Degree

Tue, 04 May 2010 21:56:30 -0400

As the semester winds down, students across the Divinity School have been in an uproar. What is the reason behind the community rumblings? Finals stress? Oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico? The realization that most graduating seniors shelled out some major coin simply to avoid the real world until the job market was as bad as possible? While these factors have undoubtedly been a cause of angst for a very small minority of students, most of the anger among divinity students seems to derive from their frustrated love for a fickle maiden: the Depressio.

One source close to the Depressio indicated that the beloved satire blog has been relatively quiet this semester because The Man is forcing the authors to devote their time to their studies and preparation for ministry. While Dean Laceye Warner did confirm that she had rejected the humorists’ request for Directed Study credit, she does not feel that the administration is to blame for the Depressio’s slowdown.

“Surely, they aren’t spending more than five or ten minutes on each article,” she said quizzically. “Are they?”

Warner’s defense of the Jones administration seems justified. Sources inside the administration have informed the Depressio that some faculty members have been conducting a “witch hunt” to find the identity of any students who are putting pressure on the Depressio’s writers by fulfilling their course requirements. One Admissions official told the Depressio, “We don’t bring in students who will disrespect the Duke Divinity School name by writing lame papers and irrelevant finals. We want students who will use their valuable time to make fun of those things.”

Rev. Chris Brady also voiced his hope that the students behind the Depressio would set aside their books for the sake of student morale. “The Depressio has never once made a joke about me,” Brady said. “I appreciate that so much, I’m starting to regret that we turned them down for DSC funding.”

Registrar Kojak Maberry says that he’s tried to offer all the support he can. “When I met with them, we went through the checklist until graduation: articles on new degree programs for robots, Baptist students protesting the dunk tank at our divinity school picnic, the senior class gift being equivalent to three meals at the Refectory - you know, the standard requirements. I wouldn’t have expected them to lose focus. I’ve tried to encourage them with my mass emails. That lottery joke was my personal tribute to these brave students.”

In light of the obvious importance of the Depressio to student life, we have decided to turn pro at the end of this year. After two years of toiling as student-bloggers, we look forward to devoting ourselves full-time to offering the Divinity School commercial-free satire. We can only assume that the Lord will provide for our financial needs as we pursue this holy calling.

Exiting Dean Having Time of His Life

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 07:55:41 -0400

Since Gregory Jones’ appointment to Senior Advisor for International Strategy at Duke University, students and faculty members at the Divinity School have noticed some unusual behavior from their soon-to-step-down dean. “Last week, I swear I saw him in the morning walking to his office in a bathrobe and slippers, carrying a newspaper and a mug of coffee,” Middler Ethan Torrey reported. Spend some time in the Divinity school’s long, privacy-free corridors, and it’s not long before you hear students whispering about the latest Jones rumor.

From naps in the prayer-room to saran-wrapping the Westbrook toilets, Jones’ mayhem is becoming more and more frequent, and some faculty and staff members are becoming concerned. Registrar Kojak Maberry commented, “I’m seeing shades of John Belushi in Animal House. It was pretty fun at first, but now it’s infringing upon my ability to do work. I could show you fifty emails in my inbox from Dean Jones with the subject line, “URGENT MATTER: READ IMMEDIATELY,” followed by a link to a farting preacher clip.”

Some of Jones’ antics have been more playful than anything else, showing a lighter side to the respected leader. “When Dean Jones welcomed our class at orientation,” Junior Adam Levenson said, “I never would have thought one day he’d be coaxing me to skip class for a quick nine of frolf.” However, there is a darker side to this levity, as Levenson discovered. “After he finally accepted my ‘no,’ think I heard him call me a lame-wad as he sulked off. It hurt.”

Other capers have been more unruly. Second-year Macey Fickman was preaching last week in chapel, and Dean Jones seemed to have a cough throughout. Fickman was not convinced. “He might say he was ‘coughing,’ but I heard him repeatedly exclaiming ‘snores-ville.’ I was humiliated.” Jones is also gaining a reputation for interrupting students while they’re studying. “I’m growing more and more tired of his daily ‘Reference Room raids.’ It takes a good ten minutes for me to pick up all my papers and brush off the silly string,” preceptor Jim Wardle exclaimed.

Such frustration is even beginning to extend to Jones’ longtime and trusted administrative assistant Mary Ann Drusser. “I remember the days when [Dean] Jones would work so hard he didn’t have time for lunch. He’d assign me all sorts of important work, like contacting global church leaders and planning strategic meetings. Now, he has me going to the Armadillo Grille at least five times a day to refill his nacho tray.”

Jones had this to say about accusations that he has one foot out the door: “At first, when I got beat in horse…er, got my new position, I felt a profound sense of loss. For thirteen years, I’ve been the Dean of one of the most prestigious, rigorous, and exciting schools in the world. But what I didn’t realize is that the Divinity school is also one of the most funnest places ever! What good is holy friendship without some holy humor, some consecrated comedy, some sanctified silliness?”

Dean Jones then whispered to us, “I love your work,” and promised to reference The Depressio in his message at baccalaureate. Then he beat us in frolf.

Campus Bonfire Celebrates Duke Divinity School TV Appearance

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 21:59:00 -0400

On Monday night, Duke’s campus erupted into a jubilant conflagration as students gathered to celebrate Duke Divinity School’s national publicity victory.

Anticipation for the Divinity School’s network television debut had been building all weekend. Students, many of whom were painted Duke Divinity blue, began to fill Cameron Indoor Stadium late Monday afternoon, in hopes of catching a glimpse of the school’s famous boat/cross/rainbow logo on the big screen. Their enthusiastic support of Duke Divinity School was rewarded at approximately 10:26 p.m. when two signs bearing the DDS name appeared briefly on CBS.

The euphoria that followed took its toll on the student body. After wildly cheering the Divinity School’s national television debut, most students needed a rest. Reports indicate that students were glued to their seats for the next hour, not really doing anything at all. They stored up their energy until approximately 11:40 p.m. when, as if on cue, the entire student body decided to honor the United Methodist church’s logo by starting an immense bonfire.

“We’re gonna remember this forever! I love Duke [Divinity School]!” exclaimed one undergraduate reveler. Perhaps the only thing burning hotter than the campus benches was national interest in the Divinity School, one of Duke’s oldest professional schools. “Duke Divinity School” was even a trending topic on Twitter for a brief time.*

Some students found the promotion distasteful. According to graduating-with-high-honors senior Rich Goodier, “While I understand better than anyone the crunch the school is feeling in these lean economic times, I nevertheless believe that the body of Christ, including its institutions, is called to resist capitalist modes of exchange and self-commodification (a belief I’ve written about here: richgoodier.wordpress.com). I hope to foster the end of this shameful self-promotion in the Church, and would love to embody this message in vocational ministry at a Baptist church in need of a dashing, theologically-trained young man whose exemplary life bears witness to Christ.”

With a more positive take on the event, average undergraduate junior Nolan Smith offered his reflections a few days later. “I wasn’t in Cameron that night; I had to be in Indiana for something. But when I watched the tape, I saw something that I’ll never forget. I’m not sure what that lady was talking about in her interview, but I do know this: Duke Divinity School loves CBS. That just means so much.”

*The part about Twitter is actually true, as is the fact that at least 50% of the tweets also contained the words “douche” or “douchebags”. Don’t shoot the messenger.

An Open Letter from Satan to the Cameron Crazies

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:54:42 -0500

To: The Cameron Crazies

From: Satan

Re: Stop Chanting Please

Dear Esteemed Devils,

I greet you in the name of myself. While you may be surprised to receive a missive directly from the Lord of the Underworld, I want to assure you that I mean you no harm. People get really skittish around me sometimes. I mean, if I was coming to claim your soul, do you think I would send a memo to be posted on a third-rate satire blog?

Anyway: I was down in my man-cave recently, and I flipped on ESPN to see a sea of blue-painted students chanting “Let’s Go Devils!” This pleased me immensely, and I soon found myself chanting right along with you. (I don’t know what happens when you chant those words, but when I do it the very depths of Hell heave with the agonized cries of reprobate souls.) However, there is another of your favored chants which I simply cannot join, and this is the reason for my writing.

Please, for the sake of my sanity, stop yelling “Go to Hell, Carolina, Go to Hell!” I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. I know it’s just an idle turn of phrase for you, gleefully deployed in the spirit of a rivalry. I understand that many of you (students and professors alike) don’t even believe that Hell exists, or has inhabitants. But in my capacity as the sovereign of Hell and chief arbiter of eternal damnation, I must do everything within my power to ensure that the UNC Men’s Basketball team does not spend eternity down here. The truth is, that would just be too much punishment for my fellow residents.

It is not widely known, but the Tar Heels have actually been down here before. In the summer of 2008, a delegation of players and coaches traveled from Chapel Hill to the gates of Hell in order to negotiate the terms of their 2009 national championship. It took us over two weeks to come to an agreement about what they would give me in exchange for a guarantee of a Final Four victory. Now, I can’t divulge the specifics of that deal. But I can tell you this: those guys are insufferable. All day long, they whine: they’re hungry, they’re too hot, they can’t get a cell signal. Although I am not a corporeal being, I eventually had to take a physical form, just so that I could plug up my ears and get some peace and quiet.

The worst was when we let them play in our summer basketball league. First of all, kudos on another appropriate cheer: as it turns out, Tyler does travel every time. However, Mr. Hansbrough also managed to win the hearts of our referees, even though their souls are my eternal property. (How he managed that, I’ll never know.) The bottom line is, I was here on “Holy Saturday,” when Jesus showed up, and I’ve got to tell you, nothing was as harrowing as having to spend time with the 2009 UNC Tar Heels.

The 2010 Tar Heels, as you know, are quite a different matter altogether. While they do not smack of entitlement like last year’s squad, it is my opinion that if they arrived in Hell, they’d bring down the caliber of play in our league too much. They are clearly more suited for the NIT, and perhaps your future chants could direct them to that destination instead of to Hell.

Although it seems to go against the spirit of the place, the bottom line is this: I am concerned that the Tar Heels will make Hell too unbearable of a place to live, even for me. You know, the greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world I didn’t exist; if Roy Williams shows up down here again, I’m turning off the lights and hiding behind the sofa until he’s convinced that nobody is home.

I appreciate your consideration of this matter.

Sincerely,

The Evil One

Student Lenten Disciplines Raising Eyebrows

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0500

The divinity school has become gripped in an aura of unease and discomfort during the last few days. While angst among Duke students is generally high around March, recent studies have shown that the cause is not due to a fear that the men’s basketball is probably going to get bounced in the Sweet 16 again this year. No, this year there is one thing that is keeping Duke Divinity students up at night: Lent. That’s right, the church season that is supposed to be about repentance and confession is giving most of the student population the willies. Take the evangelical student population, for example. For most of these students, the only interaction they have with Lent comes in the form of a regular belly button inspection. As a result, many divinity evangelicals have resorted to faking Lenten disciplines, lest they be ostracized from the wider community. One anonymous student told the Depressio “Lent was never a struggle for me, until I came to divinity school. Now I have to just fake it in order to fit in with my peers. I’ve tried saying that I’m “journaling” or something similar, but that wasn’t effective enough. I’ve had to start giving up alcohol so that my friends can see I’m committed. What’s even worse is that my beer buzz is coming a drink or two earlier now on Sunday nights – I thought I had lost this childlike experience in college.”

Other students are taking a different approach. With spring time on the horizon and students needing to get into shape for tanning season by the pool, many have given up meat or some other form of snacking. “I figured since I’m already going to be suffering for the Lord, why not work on my love handles while I’m at it?” said second year student Todd Ferguson. “What’s most important during Lent is that I focus on this season of repentance and self-reflection, but also that I look good for those late April study sessions by the pool. I need to be shining like the sun in front of a lectern at field ed this summer.”

Yet another popular Lenten discipline among students has been the adoption of going to Morning Prayer or worship on a regular basis. Third year student Melissa Robinson told the Depressio “In this time of Lent, I couldn’t think of a better way to draw nearer to Christ than by actually praying to Him or worshipping Him. It’s definitely not something I normally do, but sometimes you just have to give it up to God, you know what I mean?” Miss Robinson went on to say “I know it is going to be difficult, waking up early and stuff, but think about how great it will feel when Easter comes and I can sleep in again!” When asked about the tension of celebrating the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by stopping prayer and worship, Miss Robinson looked confused and returned nothing but a blank stare.

Hays Defeats Jones in High-Stakes Game of HORSE

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:47:07 -0500

Duke Divinity School announced today that, pursuant to the terms of a wager between Dean L. Gregory Jones and Professor Richard B. Hays, Jones will be stepping down from his position at the end of this term. Hays will assume control of the world-renowned institution after having defeated Jones in game of H-O-R-S-E in Cameron Indoor Stadium last month.

The news of Hays’ promotion to the position of Dean surprised many.

“Typically, we’d expect to be consulted on such transitions,” acknowledged one member of the Board of Visitors, speaking on condition of anonymity. “As a Methodist, I’m opposed to gambling, of course. But as a Duke fan, I know that the highest virtue is honor, in victory as well as in defeat. So, once a bet has been made, you can’t go back on it.”

For his part, Jones says he has no regrets. In an informal interview with the Depressio amid his box-filled office last week, the outgoing Dean revealed that he’s been playing high-stakes basketball games for years. “Some might ask, ‘Why would you wager your job?’ Honestly, it’s a bet I’ve made hundreds of times before,” he confided. “I won this job on the basketball court, and I kept this job on the basketball court. It’s only fitting that I should lose this job on the basketball court. Richard played a masterful game.”

The match took a decisive turn when Hays, already down H-O to H-O-R-S, connected on a between-the-legs reverse layup. He followed that up with a left-handed free throw, and an impossible heave from the scorer’s table. Jones could make no answer.

“I challenged him for the Dean’s position three years ago, but Greg has an amazing ability to hit shots with his eyes closed from anywhere on the floor,” Hays told reporters at his post-game press conference. “So ever since then, I’ve been coming to Cameron late at night, honing my game. I’m just glad all my hard work paid off. And of course, I dedicate this performance to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

Before the recent upset, Jones had rarely been rivaled in a game of H-O-R-S-E. “Many have tried to compete, but nobody ever came close,” Jones remarked wistfully. “Don’t get me wrong: we have some ballers on the faculty. Warren Smith specializes in drop-kicking the ball into the basket, and Randy Maddox can actually touch the backboard when he shoots a layup. But nobody can match my sweet jumpshot. Or my Scheyerface.”

When asked about his plans for the future, Jones was noncommittal. “I think I might write the memoir of my years in academic administration. You know, a Gilead-style reflection. Have you ever read Gilead?”

University President Richard Brodhead, however, does not appear ready to let Jones ride off into the sunset. “Dean Jones’ talents are manifold, and Duke can still use his service,” Brodhead said in a press release. “To that end, he has enrolled in the minimum number of credits necessary for him to lace up for next month’s home game against UNC.” ESPN analysts predict a Duke win, noting that even though Jones is coming off of a tough loss to his colleague, UNC has lost 8 of their last 10 games, and can’t even find the bottom of the net with their eyes open.

Apple Unveils New Line of Products for Clergy

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:31:05 -0500

Technology bloggers and white suburbanites across the country were buzzing with excitement after Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad last month. Jobs told the Depressio he hopes that the latest piece of technology from Apple will revolutionize the e-reader marketplace while simultaneously “kicking the Kindle’s ass.” While the iPad rightly garnered most of the attention from the mainstream media, we at the Depressio did a little investigative work to discover that Apple also intends to provide a new line of products designed specifically for clergy. An Apple insider told the Depressio that the company’s first move into this budding marketplace will be in the form of a device called the iStole. In a candid interview with the Depressio, Jobs said, “We are really excited about this product for clergy. And if I may be blunt, we normally don’t like to puff our chests out too much here at Apple, but let’s just say that whole water-to-wine miracle won’t seem like that big of a deal when people see this baby.” When asked to offer some more details about the iStole, Jobs went on to say, “we expect it to used a lot of the Apple interface designs that we have used in products like iTunes and the iPod, For example, we are looking to use Cover Flow as our main mode of browsing through different options and features that the iStole will offer. And we are especially excited about providing the opportunity to change the color of the iStole so that it can adapt to the church calendar and the different colors of the church year. Now when Lent rolls around, all you will have to do is use Cover Flow to scroll through the different colors and pick the color that is most appropriate for your congregation’s altar decorations.” The Apple design team was also psyched about offering iTunes on the iStole. One anonymous designer told the Depressio “in order to make the iStole more attractive for weekly preachers, we are hoping to open a new category of downloadable audio files on iTunes that will revolutionize the pulpit. Now instead of spending hours working on a sermon that nobody will listen to, you will be able to get a feed from the iStole directly into your ear so that you can preach your favorite sermons from Augustine, Calvin or Bonhoeffer without anyone knowing you totally ripped it off.” For you Methodists out there, the Depressio has learned that sermons from Pelagius will be available for download to the iStole, so be sure to start saving your money now.

DDS Faculty Divided Over Enrollment of Avatars

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:57:02 -0500

The January meeting of Duke Divinity School’s faculty erupted into discord last week. At issue: the school’s contentious new policy of admitting avatars to its Master’s programs. The proposal, put forward by a specially-appointed Dean’s task force, would expand enrollment by 75 spaces, beginning with the Fall 2010 semester.

“There is a lot of upside to this proposal,” explained Associate Dean Laceye Warner, who chaired the task force. “We’ve always been hesitant to start any kind of distance-learning program, because of the importance of physical presence in building community. But avatars take care of that problem. What’s more intimate than passing the peace by shaking a pale blue, nonhuman hand that is electronically connected to the brain of an inert human in Tempe, Arizona?”

“The twenty-first century is already revolutionizing theological education,” added Andy Keck, Associate Director of the library and resident technological trendspotter. “Either we admit avatars now, and continue to shape the future of Christian ministry, or we let other institutions take the lead. I think the choice is clear.”

The move, while hailed by some as a bold decision to bring Duke into the 21st century, was widely criticized as a financially-motivated ploy that threatens more than just the academic reputation of the institution.

“I’d say it threatens the human race as a whole,” one professor is reported to have shouted at the meeting. “What’s to keep these avatars from taking up arms and ruling over us?” Such behavior would be prohibited under the school’s Conduct Covenant, but legal experts believe that the covenant only applies to humans, and not their scientifically-generated anthropomorphic stand-ins.

The accusation that finances were dictating policy decisions seemed especially stinging to top administrators. “It’s true, the recession is taking a severe toll,” acknowledged Director of External Relations Wes Brown. “Enrolling 75 avatars will generate an additional $1.3 million in annual revenue. But this proposal is not about money at all. It’s about welcoming all God’s creatures—even those who were created by a major motion-picture studio, which was created by God.” Brown also noted that, unlike traditional human Divinity students, the avatars will arrive on campus already looking like Cameron Crazies.

A vote on the controversial avatar admission proposal has been tabled until the March meeting, but Dean Warner is optimistic. “By March, I expect to hire ten or fifteen new faculty members that 20th Century Fox is designing for me right now. I have a feeling that Avatar-N.T. Wright and Avatar-James Cone are going to tip the vote in favor of this new policy.”

Refectory Exploring New Business Opportunities

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 08:19:30 -0500

Spurred by the advent of new marketing ventures by restaurant business heavyweight Taco Bell, the divinity school Refectory announced last week that it is introducing some new features to increase both sustainability and customer demand. Headlining the Refectory’s makeover will be a new sandwich station aimed at connecting customers more intimately to their food.

“We’ll still be offering our same great lineup of grilled cheese, wraps, soups, and hot entrees,” explained Chef Robert Lawrence. “But now, if someone shows up asking for a tuna melt with sprouts and cucumbers, we can serve them through our new ‘Make Your Own Damn Sandwich’ line.”

Lawrence acknowledged that the name seems harsh, but pointed out that the Refectory is not the first campus eatery to move in this direction. “Customer service went out the window years ago,” he explained, adding that he had personally heard students declare that they could “make [their] own damn sandwich” numerous times while waiting in line at Subway.

Refectory management personnel aren’t the only ones excited about the latest developments. Kitchen staff member Lauren Jones told the Depressio, “I can’t wait until they open the ‘Make Your Own Damn Sandwich’ line. It’s usually what I’m thinking while I ask, ‘Would you like some orange slices with that?’ So now I won’t have to restrain myself. I think people will enjoy their free-range turkey, organic cheese, and locally-ground mustard sandwich served with a little side of sass, too.”

The new self-service line fits well with the Refectory’s larger mission of sustainability and justice. “There’s only one way to make sure that the person preparing your food is making a living wage,” explained junior Sharon Crawford. “And that is to make your own damn sandwich.”

However, not all members of the divinity school are convinced that the new sandwich lines will work, given the propensity for student laziness. An anonymous source pointed to the DSC coffee machine as a prime example. “There is no way these students are going to want to make their own sandwiches,” the source told the Depressio. “If they didn’t want to walk 100 feet to the Chapel for coffee from a vending machine, they surely aren’t going to want to wait in line to make themselves a sandwich.” Others questioned whether students will actually pay for the sandwich, if the lack of money given to the DSC coffee machine is any indication.

Refectory management brushed off such accusations, however, saying that a new flat-screen HDTV was being flown in from Japan to tell people that the sandwiches were not free.

Technological Imagination: the Depressio Completes a Course Evaluation

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 01:00:21 -0500

We’re still working on a couple incompletes (or, as we like to call them, “anticipateds”), so, like network TV, we’ve got something of a rerun for you. Here’s a copy of a portion of one of our course evaluations from last semester.

What technology, if any, would you like to have had in this course?

Well, I’m glad you asked. A decade ago, I remember sitting in school, watching the teacher smudge markers all over that infernal overhead projector, and thinking, “If only that thing could project the image of a computer screen up on the wall. Then the teacher could type out everything he was going to say, instead of enduring the antiquarian process of making copies onto transparencies.” Fortunately, the new millennium did not disappoint me: when I see a professor dim the lights and open up PowerPoint, I want to scream, “Welcome to the future, baby!”

But that does not mean that my technological appetite has been satisfied, so I do have a few suggestions for your consideration. First, I think it would be helpful if this course’s textbooks were available in e-book format, so that I could read them on my laptop, Kindle, iPhone, or Wii. Bam, there’s a single idea that’s really like four ideas. It’s gold! I’m full of this stuff.

Here comes another one: Let us submit YouTube videos instead of term papers. This kind of internet media is here to stay, and it’s the chief mode of communication for the younger generations. Nobody’s ever going to understand eschatology if I write a bland paper on it, but if I make a video connecting it to David After Dentist (“Is this gonna last for ever?!?”), I’ve really done something for the kingdom. Besides, doing away with term papers will spell the end of those annoying page counts on people’s Facebook pages, and that’s a good thing, too.

Okay, now my technology juices are really flowing. I’m just going to let these technological ideas come out, and we’ll see if any of them stick: Laser pointers! Ice cream machine in the DSC lounge (with a ten-year contract)! Lounge chairs in W0016! Library staircases wide enough for two people! Virtual classrooms! Virtual prayer room! Virtual Refectory! A flat-screen TV that we use just like a bulletin board! Hydraulic rotating communion table! Goodson Chapel aroma therapy! Moving walkway for Westbrook building! Robotic puppies that can carry books!Toilets with a third flushing option—mushy!

Phew! That brainstorming takes a lot out of me. Again, thank you for soliciting my input regarding our school’s ongoing technological needs. I’ll be happy to discuss any of these proposals with you in the coming weeks.

** Of course, we would never submit this in reality, not because we got a case of the goodie goodies, but because we fear Kojak the Registrarian.

Faculty Pull an Ehrman

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 18:46:26 -0500

As the last few days of the semester come to their conclusion, divinity school students and faculty have resorted to their customary practices and routines for reading and exam weeks. Students have been seen carrying blowup mattresses, cigarettes and industrial-sized coffee makers into the divinity school library, where they plan on setting up shop for marathon study sessions on campus. Other students have been seen “taking a Sabbath” down at Shooters II, where nobody seems to care if Moses would have crapped his pants if the Israelites had treated their Sabbath’s similarly. Nobody cares that Moses would have crapped his pants at the notion you can “take a Sabbath” whenever and however you choose, nor does anyone care that he would have crapped his pants if the Israelites had celebrated their Sabbath on a mechanical bull (and we don’t need to mention the issue of Moses’ ritual cleanliness over his crapping-of-the-pants!). Div school registrar Todd “Kojack” Maberry has been sending out a flurry of emails to students, urging them to complete course evaluations or face a number of unspeakable punishments. (As a side note, Kojack told the Depressio that if he manages to break the 80% barrier for course evaluations, he wins a free Duke koozie. So, in an effort to provide our beloved registrar assistance, we’d be happy to randomly fill out your course evaluation in order to save you the 2 ½ minutes you would normally take to do it.)

However, like the Tickle-me Elmo doll in years past, or “helping people” more recently, a new trend has become quite popular among a certain segment of the divinity school population. It’s called “pulling an Ehrman” and at least three members of our esteemed faculty are currently in the process. An anonymous source told the Depressio that the trend started last semester when an unidentified scholar was contacted by Eerdmans Publishing Company about undertaking the process of Ehrmanization. “Oh yeah, he definitely was the first one to pull an Ehrman,” the source told the Depressio. When asked to elaborate on what that meant, the source explained: “Well, you know how Dr. Bart Ehrman has been putting out these books on topics that have been written on for years, and acting like he was the first to came up with the idea? Well……it’s a lot like that.” Ehrman’s popularity has soared in recent years, thanks to his groundbreaking work in articulating the problem of evil or pointing out that some biblical manuscripts disagree with one another.

The painstaking process of successfully “pulling an Ehrman” is still unclear. Some experts believe that frequent appearances on the Colbert Report to promote one’s book ought to be considered more important than going to SBL; after all, scholarly conferences are not the place to peddle conspiracy theories about what goes on at scholarly conferences. Another proven strategy is to write books on terrible pieces of fiction like The Da Vinci Code in an effort to widen one’s target audience. Treating these pieces of shhhh—pieces of fiction—like they are worth studying is at least one of the keys to successfully “pulling an Ehrman.”

Whatever the solution may be, we at the Depressio fully support the faculty of the divinity school in their efforts to “Ehrmanize” the academy. Therefore, we would like to suggest a few potential book topics for “pulling an Ehrman.” They include: arguing that Paul actually wrote Romans; that John is like waaaaaaay different from Matthew, Mark and Luke; that Moses didn’t write the Pentateuch; that the word “Trinity” never actually appears in the Bible; or that Jesus was (gasp!) a Jewish carpenter!

That’s it for today. We have to get back to studying for our exams and a little “Ehrmanology” of our own. Until next time, keep hitting the books and remember that sometimes the best exams are the ones that say nothing at all.

Wainwright Hints at New Systematics

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:10:51 -0500

In a forthcoming journal article, Professor Geoffrey Wainwright is expected to lay the groundwork for a new systematic theology that takes its structure and approach from an unlikely source: the world of music. In an apparent response to Dr. J. Kameron Carter’s well-known contention that theology should be a disciplined, improvisational performance, like jazz, Wainwright maintains that the best metaphor for the theological task is Gregorian chant.

“Gregorian chant is a perfect theological paradigm,” Wainwright explained. “In jazz, there can be infinite variations on the same theme. Too many ways to express what is, fundamentally, only one melody. But in Gregorian chant, you hear something that someone sang a thousand years ago, and you repeat it exactly. That’s what I want my students to do.”

Wainwright, one of the past century’s leading ecumenical theologians, has always emphasized the Great Tradition that all Christians share. He believes the metaphor of Gregorian chant invites everyone to join in voicing their common doctrinal heritage. While some believe that this unity comes at the expense of minority voices who do not conform to the monolithic song, Wainwright disagrees: “Gregorian chant is very inclusive. It actually has a greater capacity than jazz to handle dissenting voices, because off-notes will be completely drowned out by the dominant monotone.” Wainwright added that, in his opinion, when it comes to theology-as-jazz, we should “pay attention not to the riffs it contains, but therifts it creates.” (Unfortunately, we could find no way to meet Wainwright’s request that this be printed “in a sparkling tone of wry British sarcasm.”)

Wainwright denies that this approach makes theology tired and boring. “Ah, I’ve never found that objection to be substantial. But to settle the case once and for all, I’ve convinced my favorite artist, Michael Buble (who’s no small fan of The Oxford History of Christian Worship, I might add) to produce a chant album, which will come out for Christmas. If that doesn’t make you sweat, you’re already dead, baby.”

When we asked Dr. Carter for a response, he got too excited to speak.

Narrative Community Overrun by Stories of Vampires

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 10:00:00 -0500

Longtime critics of Duke Divinity School’s focus on narrative theology appear poised to have the last laugh this December, as the venerated theological institution has been brought to its knees by a wave of vampirism thought to have its origins in the narratives of the popular Twilight series.

For years, Duke’s theology, ethics, and biblical studies departments have all emphasized the centrality of the biblical narrative in defining Christian identity. But once Stephenie Meyer’s novels began to appear in the bookbags of students, faculty, and staff, a powerful new narrative began to rival the story of God’s gracious election of Israel and redemption of all creation through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Where once there was a community of people shaped by the grace of God, there is now a divided body: vampires, and those who fear them.

Vampire rumors have been swirling around one member of the faculty this fall. Due to the speculative nature of these allegations, the Depressio’s lawyers have advised that we not print the name of the professor in question. Let it suffice to say that his universally pleasing countenance and impeccable attire, coupled with his supernatural ability to be both omniscient and humble at the same time, have led more than a few of his students to wonder whether he might not be a mythological creature who subsists by feeding off the vitality of living creatures. “He does talk about belonging to some sort of group that gathers around the body and blood,” acknowledged one student. “He says that certain texts can only be read from within this Circle.”

Faculty members are not the only ones within the DDS community who are suspected of vampirism. First-year student Charlotte Wilson believes she encountered a vampire classmate in the women’s restroom. “When I saw this classmate (whose name I’d rather not give), I was just coming out of the stall. She looked shocked to see me; she didn’t realize I was in there. I didn’t understand why she was so scared until I looked in the mirror: she had no reflection at all.”

Wilson indicated that she got no response when she reported the student’s vampirism to the DDS authorities. Repeated inquiries by the Depressio eventually yielded a brief statement from the Communications Office: “Duke Divinity does not, and has never had, vampires in our midst. Nobody should bother looking for any, because you won’t find them. We heard there are some over in the Law School, though. You should check over there.” Most students, however, remain unconvinced by the administration’s assurances.

“I think the administration has known about the vampire thing since the summer,” declared senior Carl Thompson. “That’s why they installed those motion-sensing lights in the hallways. Vampires can’t stand the light,” he said, adding, “That’ll preach.” Thompson’s roommate Stan Lewis has his own theories about school authorities’ role in the vampire affair. “I was here early one morning. It was, like, 9:30 a.m. And I saw our esteemed Registrar, Todd ‘Kojack’ Maberry, roaming the halls with a wooden stake and a mallet. He had the kind of look in his eye that made me think I’d better stay out of his way.” When asked by the Depressio if he would answer a few questions about the vampire rumors, Maberry grumbled that the form for this request can be found online.

Editors’ Note: This post is dedicated to Julie Laub, who spoke up for ~~thousands~~ dozens of fans when she asked the Depressio to publish some comic relief during this hard week. We had to arrange for some paper extensions ourselves, but we’re going to make it happen for you, Julie. Keep up the good work, everyone!

Lischer, Hays Release Album

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:07:09 -0500

Two of Duke Divinity School’s most esteemed faculty members are scheduled to perform songs from their forthcoming album at a CD release party Friday night. Dr. Richard Hays, the George Washington Ivey Professor of New Testament, and Dr. Richard Lischer, the James T. and Alice Mead Cleland Professor of Preaching, have garnered high critical praise for their first collaborative venture, entitled Richard the Lionheart.

“Obviously, since we have the same first name, it’s natural for us to start a band,” said Professor Hays. “It gives us a good common ground. Take the album title, for example. Richard the Lionheart obviously refers to my magnanimity and beard. But I told Lischer that the album title was about him, and he bought it! Having the same name makes our collaboration work a lot more smoothly. That’s a lesson the Beatles learned the hard way.”

Hays indicated that the early stages of recording also involved a third DDS professor, the esteemed Richard P. Heitzenrater. “I wanted him to sing the bass part on a remix of the Fanny Crosby hymn, Unsearchable Riches. That’s a pun on our name, too. Because we’re all named ‘Rich’. But Heitz wouldn’t sing a hymn that wasn’t in the Methodist hymnal, so we had to part ways.”

For his part, Professor Lischer is confident that the duo will reach the top of the charts. “I’m telling you right now, the first single is gonna blow up. It’s called Rick in a Box. I don’t want to spoil it, but I’ll give you a hint: Step One is to cut a hole in Kittel’s Theological Dictionary of the New Testament. I’ll just leave it at that for now.”

Although Richard the Lionheart has not yet been released, the duo is already looking ahead to their next project. An album of Christmas hits, tentatively titled Jolly Old Saint Rick, is planned for December, and one of the songs has already been posted on YouTube. ‘Tis the season!

Marcus Plans Commentary Revision

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:38:00 -0500

A Ph.D. student has informed the Depressio that New Testament and Christian Origins scholar Joel Marcus is planning a significant revision in the second edition of his monumental Mark commentary. In order to understand the revision, we had to first get some background information from student. “In his first edition, Marcus made heavy use of J. Louis Martyn’s literary theory of a ‘two-level drama.’ Martyn coined the theory in relation to the gospel of John; Marcus applied it to Mark’s gospel, to illuminate the interplay within the narrative between concern for the historical Jesus and concern for Mark’s community.”

This careful, balanced approach has been praised by numerous critics. What is there to change? “In the next edition, Marcus plans to replace every instance of ‘two-level drama’ with his newly-preferred expression, ‘double-wide drama,’” the student revealed.

We contacted Joel Marcus for an explanation. “For years, I’ve been hearing criticisms from my colleagues at Duke about the state of NT studies and its scholars: the discipline is too rigid, with arbitrary conventions; it operates under outdated Enlightenment assumptions; it assumes a white, male, bourgeoisie perspective; yada yada yada. Well, when I saw all the coverage of the balloon boy, something hit home, and I knew I had to make some change in my commentary, to speak to the people—you know, the people’s people.”

Marcus found there wasn’t much in the commentary that could be altered. (In his words, “no reason to scuff what sparkles.”) However, his “two-level drama” terminology did catch his eye. “I came to hear in the phrase ‘two-level’ an echo of the sneers of those on top. It might as well have read, ‘two-level drama with a three-car garage.’ Other possibilities like ‘two-bedroom efficiency’ or ‘split-level’ run into the same problems. ‘Double-wide’ provides a comparable amount of literary space, even if it is more susceptible to tornadoes.”

We spoke to a representative from Marcus’ publisher, DoubleDay. She said that while DoubleDay is happy to accommodate Marcus’ change in terminology, they are less enthused about some of his other requests. “We esteem Joel very highly, but there is no way our time-honored Anchor Bible Commentary series is containing references to a ‘Markan sloppy-joe.’ Is he concerned that the average person doesn’t know what a sandwich is?”

Marcus appeared willing to concede that “Markan Sandwich” would remain in the second edition of his commentary. “I’m principally focused on the new ‘double-wide drama’ language,” he said. “I think it’s really going to open up the marketing of my commentary to a whole new audience. Some people want to know how I could’ve spent twenty years writing 1100 pages about a gospel that only has 16 chapters. The answer is simple: I’m a hardworking American with a never-say-die spirit. They should call me Joel the Plumber: just an everyday patriot. These colors don’t run. Hey, do you think I could put some patriotism into the second edition somewhere? I’m willing to suggest that Mark’s original ending was lost, and should be reconstructed as, ‘The women were greatly afraid, and told no one…so Jesus went to America, where he became super-popular.’ But c’mon: no one is going to take that seriously.”

Classes Having an Impact on Divinity School Dating

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:16:01 -0400

Reports obtained by the Depressio have shown that the recent flurry of midterm examinations, papers and field ed sermons have created a substantial amount of turbulence among divinity school dating relationships. For students looking to maintain new romances, the midterm period is providing a good opportunity to judge their sustainability. Second year M. Div. Julie Anderson has placed herself in the same CT32 study group as her new boyfriend David Jefferson in hopes of getting a clearer picture of his mental abilities and educational enthusiasm. “I’m in charge of dividing up who is responsible for providing information on which identification question, and I’m going to give David some of the more difficult questions to see how he responds. That s.o.b. had better not copy anything from wikipedia or we’re finished. Can I really spend the rest of my life with someone who has the theological imagination of a thirteen year old? At least a thirteen year old recognizes he’s no theologian and makes bathroom jokes instead, which I think everyone can appreciate.”

Some students are preparing their take home midterms with the knowledge that their significant others will be proof-reading them. “Look, I know what my professor wants to read on these discussion questions, but that’s not what is important right now,” said third year M. Div. Jonas Thompson. “What’s more important is that my girlfriend hears what she wants to hear on my midterm. You know, gender-inclusive language, feminine references to God and the Spirit, and your stock white-male bash-sessions. I need to bring my A game or else it’s back to asking out girls I meet at the bar over facebook. The women of Shooters II eat up my Lucado quotes and my pain for the poor, but after searching for someone on fifty different facebook networks for an hour, it gets hard to look at yourself in the mirror, believe me.”

Other students are concerned over upcoming midterms for other reasons. Several male students have expressed a concern over the possibility that their girlfriend could be smarter than they are, and have found themselves sabotaging their study habits. One anonymous student told the Depressio, “My girlfriend has been putting in way too many hours on her exams and papers the past couple of weeks, so I’ve started to try to disrupt her study sessions in one way or another. I’ve tried being sexy as hell, but let’s just say it hasn’t been a distraction. I’ve tried hiding some of her books under her couch and in her kitchen cabinets. I even tried disconnecting the wireless internet at Francesca’s once, but she still manages to get a lot of work in. I’m going to have to give up soon and move to plan B: dismiss, deride, and denigrate. It’s not too hard to come up with things to say for plan B, like, ‘Wow, you’re really concerned about your professor’s opinion? That’s cute.’ or, ‘Just remember—and I say this in love—you’re called to serve people, not ideas.’ No, the words aren’t difficult. It’s the tone, the tone!, that’s so hard to master. ”